


Finding Peace

by flashytonystark



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV), Game of Thrones RPF, Modern Westeros - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - A Song of Ice and Fire, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Westeros, Anger, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Best Friends, Broken Promises, Character Death, Comfort/Angst, Conflict, Dealing With Loss, Death, Don't Judge Me, Emotional, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, F/M, Feelings, Feels, First Love, Five Stages of Grief, Friendship/Love, Grief/Mourning, Grieving, Guilt, Healing, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Internal Conflict, Joffsa is such a crack ship and I hate myself for loving it, Loss, Love, Love/Hate, Modern Era, Modern Westeros, Multiple Relationships, Older Characters, Older Sansa, Original Character Death(s), POV Outsider, POV Third Person, POV Third Person Limited, Past Tense, Peace, Please Don't Hate Me, Sad, Sadness, Sansa-centric, Shipping, Ships You Didn't Know You Needed, Soul-Crushing, Soul-Searching, Wakes & Funerals, Westeros, coming to terms, conflicting, dealing with death, overwhelmed feelings, struggling with death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-30
Updated: 2016-04-30
Packaged: 2018-06-05 11:23:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6702775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flashytonystark/pseuds/flashytonystark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This idea originally comes from a storyline in an RPG, and what you're about to read is the result of that SL coming to an end. This is clearly set in the modern verse, so creative liberties have been taken with characters, their relationships, and various events in their lives. </p><p>Here's a small bit of background:<br/>-Sansa and Joffrey are no longer together, but what is left of their relationship has continued to have problems.<br/>-The characters are aged up and out of college.<br/>-Sansa and Jojen have been together for a little more than three years (based on the RPG).</p><p>Also, I would usually post this to my <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/series/374177">#PsychicGinger....I Ship It Series</a>, but this is more centered on Sansa and how she's dealing with the events of her life. So it will not be added to the collection.<br/>**See the A/N at the end for more on the story itself.</p>
    </blockquote>





	Finding Peace

**Author's Note:**

> This idea originally comes from a storyline in an RPG, and what you're about to read is the result of that SL coming to an end. This is clearly set in the modern verse, so creative liberties have been taken with characters, their relationships, and various events in their lives. 
> 
> Here's a small bit of background:  
> -Sansa and Joffrey are no longer together, but what is left of their relationship has continued to have problems.  
> -The characters are aged up and out of college.  
> -Sansa and Jojen have been together for a little more than three years (based on the RPG).
> 
> Also, I would usually post this to my [#PsychicGinger....I Ship It Series](http://archiveofourown.org/series/374177), but this is more centered on Sansa and how she's dealing with the events of her life. So it will not be added to the collection.  
> **See the A/N at the end for more on the story itself.

Joffrey.  
  
The thought sent Sansa into a fresh wave of hysterics and she slid down the bathroom door, bringing her knees to her chest and burying her face in them to try and muffle her sobs.  
  
  "Baby? Baby, do you want me to come in?" Jojen's voice was soft, slightly on edge, as he pressed his forehead against the other side of the door. "I don't want to rush you, but Cersei wants us there in an hour."    
  
"I can't," were the only two words out of her mouth.   

* * *

 

It was a Friday. Jojen had just called to let Sansa know he was almost home as she was finishing putting the groceries away. She was putting things in the freezer when her phone began buzzing on the countertop repeatedly. She furrowed her brows when her phone buzzed again, signaling a missed call and a voicemail.  
  
She nudged the freezer closed with her hip and made her way across the kitchen to grab her phone. The notification screen was full of missed calls, all from Joffrey, minus the latest call and voicemail.  
  
That was from Cersei.  
  
That was strange. She felt an unease settle over her, but she brushed it off and was getting ready to return the calls when her phone started buzzing in her hand, Cersei's name popping up once again.     
  
"Hey Mama L, what's—"    
  
She wasn't sure when she dropped her phone or when her legs gave out from underneath her, but she was still on the floor when Jojen frantically ran into the house; he could hear her sobbing from the driveway. Jojen tossed his things aside and knelt beside her, pulling Sansa to his chest, his heart racing.     
  
"Sansa, what's wrong? Tell me what's wrong."    
  
"J-J-Joffrey.... He... He's go-gone..."

* * *

When Sansa broke up with Joffrey, the first twenty-three days of her life without him were the worst. She was in a haze, unfeeling and cold. She had second guessed herself so many times over the course of those three long weeks, but she ultimately stuck with her decision. That hadn't made it any easier, nor did it help staunch the never-ending flow of tears she cried for those twenty-three days either.     
  
That was the worst pain she had ever felt. Nothing could be worse than the pain from ending their relationship—or so she had thought. Clearly she was wrong.     
  
_This_  was the worst pain.    
  
Everything hurt physically. It hurt to brush her hair and teeth. It hurt to walk. It hurt to breathe. She couldn't even find solace in sleep. It was as if a piece of her had been ripped from her chest, the hole growing bigger and bigger with each breath she took that Joffrey wasn't. Eventually, it would swallow her whole. The pain, the anger, the hurt, the sadness, the emptiness, the _guilt_ —all of it was eating her alive.   

* * *

The first night, Sansa put her fist through the bathroom mirror and Jojen found her hunched over the sink, her hand cut and covered in blood. He cleaned her up and wrapped her hand in a small towel and held her as they sat on the bathroom floor, Sansa's screams muffled only by Jojen's shirt. He didn't say anything during the two hours they sat on the floor. Instead, he let Sansa scream until her throat was so raw she couldn't speak and she had fallen asleep.     
  
The second day, Sansa broke every plate in the kitchen, little bits of ceramic flying everywhere with each one she shattered. When she ran out of plates, she began smashing the glasses into the sink. She was livid, angry with Joffrey for what he had done, angry with herself. Angry at the younger versions of themselves for not fixing their problems when they should have. Angry that Joffrey had been so selfish.  
  
  Day three consisted of helping Cersei go through Joffrey's things at his apartment and picking out his clothes for his funeral. Every short silence was filled with Sansa either crying, screaming, or repeatedly damning the boy she once loved to Hell. She and Cersei wound up on the floor of Joffrey's closet, clutching onto each other as they broke down, both apologizing repeatedly to the other for something neither of them had any control over. Sansa took some of Joffrey's clothes home with her that night and she slept in his favorite sweatshirt. If Jojen minded, he didn't express it.    
  
Day four was the worst. Sansa was raw and too emotional for words. Jojen had forced her to take a bath, which she sat in until the water had turned cold and her skin gained a purplish tint; she only got out when Jojen came in and forced her out of the tub. That was the day when she didn't know if she could continue on or not. She broke down that day, calling Joffrey's phone seventy-seven times just to listen to his voice come through on his voicemail message. She flipped through the old pictures of them she still had on her phone and stalked his social media, saving every photo he had kept that she had deleted from what seemed like a lifetime ago.     
  
Day five was the viewing. An all day event that left Sansa and Jojen more drained than either of them thought possible. By the end of the night, Sansa was curled up on one of the small couches, her head in Jojen's lap while she snored softly. Her hair was a disheveled mess, her makeup smeared from tears. Jojen's eyes were hollow, sunken messes as he stared blankly at the wall in front of him while he raked his fingers through Sansa's stiff, hairspray assaulted hair. Cersei had come over once everyone had left except for family and pressed a kiss to Jojen's cheek and squeezed his shoulder.     
  
"Take her home and get some rest yourself. I'll never be able to express to you what it means to me to know that you're treating her right, taking care of her, and helping her through this. You know I love her like one of my own. Thank you—for everything."

* * *

Day six. Today. Final goodbyes.     
  
The funeral.     
  
"Sansa, baby. Please get out from in front of the door. We need to finish getting ready. I told you, Cersei wants us there in an hour."  
  
  Silence.     
  
"Sansa, I know it's hard, but we have to go. _You_  have to go. You need this."    
  
There was a slight shuffling on the other side of the door before Sansa pulled it open, standing there in her now wrinkled dress, her eyes red and swollen, her cheeks stained with dry tears. It was a miracle she still had tears _left_.     
  
"How many times do I have to tell you that I _can't_? I can't fucking do this! I can't stand there and watch some stranger put someone I love into the ground. Because if I go and I watch them close that goddamn green casket that reminds me so much of his eyes and put it in the ground, that means he's not coming back! That means that the one person I relied on for so many years is gone! The person I first loved, the person I made so many memories with, the person who fucked me up on so many levels, the person who kissed me in the rain, the person who broke me down and manipulated me, the person I tore myself apart for—is gone! That's what that'll mean if I go today. I don't want him to be gone. I want him to be here so I can fight with him and tell him he's an ass. I want him here so I can blame him for shit that happened years ago, just so I have a reason to talk to him. I want to be able to call or text or FaceTime him and tell him to bring me soup when I'm sick because you're gone for the weekend. I don't want him to be gone, Jojen! You probably don't understand, and I don't expect you to, but there is a part of me that still loves him. I've always loved him and I always will and now he's _gone_. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and I feel like I'm drowning! I miss him more than I ever thought possible and I hate that I can't see him again. I don't want to feel this way! I don't want to cry or break shit or miss him! I don't want to feel like I've just lost a part of me! I don't want to be upset, but I am!" She angrily slammed her open palm against the wall, repeating the action a few more times out of pure frustration before tugging on her hair. "This isn't fucking fair! He doesn't get to do this to me! He doesn't get to leave me all alone without telling me! He doesn't get to tell me he loves me just to turn around and leave! That's not how this works! This is bullshit and now he's gone and I don't want him to be! He's taken so much and he shouldn't get to have this piece of me, but he does. It's n-not fair! None of th-this is fa-fair!"    
  
Jojen grabbed onto her wrists and gently pulled her hands away from her hair and brought her to his chest, allowing her to bury her face in his neck as she sobbed, her shoulders shaking uncontrollably. They stood like that for ages in the doorway, Jojen's cheek against her head while he rubbed soothing circles on her back with one hand, the other gripping her tightly.     
  
"I hate him..." She finally whispered.     
  
"You don't hate him, Sans..."  
  
  "No, I hate him. I hate what he did to me when we were together and I hate what he didn't do that he should have. I hate that he did this; that he was selfish enough to leave me and his parents and his siblings and his family and friends. I hate that he turned me into this mess and you're left to deal with it because—."    
  
"Shhhhh, baby, I know. I get it, I understand."  
  
  "I can't help but feel that this is my fault..."    
  
Jojen's teeth clenched and he pulled her back to his chest as if he could protect her from everything. "Oh sweetheart, no. None of this was your fault." He pressed a kiss to her forehead before continuing. "If I know Joffrey, and I'd like to think that I did, I know he would  _never_  want you to feel like it was your fault. And I'm sure he's sorry for every ounce of pain he ever caused you."  
  
  "You seriously think that?"    
  
"I really do."    
  
She paused and sniffled. "Do I have to go today?"    
  
Jojen sighed. "I won't force you, but we both know this is the closure you need. One final goodbye."  

* * *

  When she went back to work on day nine, she walked around downtown on her lunch break, taking in everything around her. She found herself standing on the corner of High Street and Main, eleven blocks away from her office with her hand covering her mouth as she cried. She hadn't realized until that moment how Joffrey had tainted the way she saw the world. It wasn't in a negative way, no, but a positive one. Everything around her reminded her of Joffrey in that moment, down to the birds chirping too loudly. She couldn't help but laugh a little at how he'd always complain on Saturday mornings about how loud the birds were being. He always said he hated the noise, but she had caught him on more than one occasion just lying in bed with his eyes closed, listening to the sound.     
  
She was pulled out of her reminiscing by her phone ringing softly in her pocket. It was Jojen, calling to check in on her.     
  
"Hey, baby.... Yeah, I'm doing okay."  
  
  "Are you sure? I can tell you've been crying. You can take a half day if you need to. And I'll come home."  
  
  Sansa looked around and shook her head gently. "I think I'm going to be okay. Not right away, but eventually. I'll see you at home. I love you."    
  
She slipped her phone back into her pocket and turned in the direction of her office, her fingers going up to the small chain around her neck that now held the ring Joffrey had bought her when they started college together. She dug it out of her jewelry box on the day of his funeral, desperately wanting something of his she could physically hold. It had an inscription on the inside that only the two of them knew about and she smiled a little when she thought of the words. She gave the ring a gentle squeeze before dropping it back against her chest and began making her way back to work, the sound of happily chirping birds following behind her.  
  
  "Joff..." She thought, smiling a little despite herself.   

* * *

Day thirteen. Joffrey had been gone for thirteen whole days and the pain had yet to subside.  
  
It still hurt to breathe, and Sansa still woke up crying almost every morning, but she liked to think she was getting better. At least that's what she hoped for.     
  
While the pain of losing someone she hadn't realized she needed in her life was still as soul destroying as it was the day she received the phone call from Cersei, it was finally steady and constant. It wasn't starting to subside, but it wasn't getting worse either. She was thankful for that.     
  
She was slowly coming to terms with the whirlwind of the past few weeks, sorting them out as best as she could. The hole that had once threatened to swallow her entirely was still there, but it had stopped growing.     
  
She assumed the ache in her chest would never fully leave, and somehow, that brought her peace. Each day she smiled a little more and laughed a little louder, and whenever feelings of guilt started to creep in, she gently pushed them away.     
  
Almost every day she found herself thinking of the blonde haired boy she was once certain she was going to marry. She liked to think that he was a happier, better person, wherever he was. And sometimes, when she'd be having a rough day at work, she'd pull out her copy of Pride and Prejudice he found after so many years of it being lost, open the windows, and close her eyes for a few moments. She'd swear he was there, squeezing her shoulder or kissing the top of her head. Most would say it was simply the wind or a trick of her mind, but she knew better. He was there with her; he'd never leave her entirely. She was certain because she knew her Joff more than any other person.    
  
She just hoped he had finally found peace. 

**Author's Note:**

> That's it. That's the end. I'd be lying if I said this wasn't a tough thing to write, because it really was. Sansa is so emotionally conflicted, torn between loving and hating the one person that she relied on for so many years. There is this overwhelming flood of emotions that she's never really had to deal with until now, and there's no stopping them. To her, Joffrey was getting better (part of the RPG) and redemption was in sight for him. Unfortunately, his demons and his past caught up to him, and they unintentionally took Sansa down at the same time. 
> 
> Sansa still loves him, but not in the same way she once did. She's moved on, built herself a better life with someone she loves and cares for in a way she doesn't for Joffrey. Jojen is her anchor and keeps her from being consumed by everything that has happened. It hasn't been an easy journey for any of them, and the unsuspecting event of Joffrey's murder shakes them to the core. Yes, I know Joffsa is a total crack ship, and I would never ship them in canon, but that's the greatness of the modern verse. More creative liberties can be taken. Please don't think that Sansa and Joffrey have had an easy relationship, because they haven't. He's been a complete dick to her and treated her terribly. But she's loving and forgiving, and he was trying to correct his mistakes. In the end, it just wasn't enough.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this emotional roller coaster, and I hope you understand why this was such a hard thing for Sansa to grasp and deal with. Death is never easy. The grieving process is never easy. Combining those with a constant internal battle over how she should feel about someone who used, manipulated, and broke her down for so many years makes for one hell of an angsty piece of writing. 
> 
> Joffsa™: the ship you didn't know you shipped.


End file.
